Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
