i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Randomize
