I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
