there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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