We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
