im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
