I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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