How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
