There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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