woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
