he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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