why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
