If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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