I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
