Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Can I color on your dick again?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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