I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
