I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
