He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
