If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
