Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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