Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
