I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
