My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
