so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
