Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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