so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
