dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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