I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
