went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
