i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
