I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
