I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
