umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
