just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
