I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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