but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
