I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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