If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
