Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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