I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
