Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
