I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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