I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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