it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Small penises have feelings too.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
