there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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