I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
