The maid of honor just puked.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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