there's paper in my vomit.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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