Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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