now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm eating all of the evidence.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
